A Debate on Presidents
By Amanda Rossenrode
The race to the White House is dominating the media right now and maybe you have a candidate you’re backing. Maybe you don’t and are waiting for me to throw my hat in the ring. Sadly, I am not old enough to serve as president so you will have to wait until 2020 when I run against Kanye. In my place, I nominate some fictional presidents who would be pretty great (some spoilers ahead).
President Thomas Whitmore (Independence Day)
Whitmore has his pros and cons. True, his decision to nuke an American city was questionable. So, we know he’s got an itchy trigger finger. But he personally saved the world from aliens! What bigger pro can you get than that? He’s no general-in-chief from afar; he climbed on the wing of that jet fighter (which he was a master pilot of—another quality that should be on every president’s resume) and he said things… about liberty and… THIS IS OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY! Then he punched an alien in the face. I think. Maybe that was the Fresh Prince.
Clearly he’s brave and willing to die for his country… which is kind of stupid if you think about it. I mean, for some reason they made it very clear that the vice president is dead. So if Whitmore died in an alien dogfight, who would be in charge of an already devastated, unstable country? Martians blew up the White House, so I’m guessing there’s a lot of holes in the line of succession to the presidency. There would be all kinds of brutal political fighting to nab the presidency! Do you know at some point the Secretary of Transportation gets a shot to be president? We’d have politicians straight up murdering each other in the streets! Maybe we should put some thought into Whitmore.
Speaking of murderous politicians…
President Frank Underwood (House of Cards)
Hang on, hang on! I know what you’re about to say: “But, he killed a bunch of people!” Yes he did. I do not condone pushing people in front of trains any more than you do. It’s bad and we should all teach our children not to shove people in front of commuters. That said, Frank gets things done even if in doing so he gets his hands dirtier than a sanitation worker’s on trash day. Isn’t that what we’re looking for in a president? I can already see the campaign slogan: “Underwood: The End Justifies the Means.”
Look, if he can rise to the top political seat without a single person casting a vote for him, he can do anything, with or without our blessing. Wouldn’t it be a relief to have a commander in chief who was prepared to take the burden of thinking about politics out of our hands? Think about how much free time we would have! We could finally get around to taking that Zumba class or putting that cabinet door back on its hinges. We should really get around to doing that. Without having to think about things like healthcare and whether or not to pick a war with France, we could be thinking about which board game from the eighties we’d like to see Michael Bay adapt into a three hour explosion-fest.
Okay, you want someone more trustworthy? I will give you trustworthy.
President Beck (Deep Impact)
My honest answer to the question “what celebrity would you like to have dinner with” is always Morgan Freeman (my second choice is Chris Pratt because he seems like a party in a box, but he also seems like the kind of dude who would crash on your couch for three weeks). Beck just seems so wise and so comforting. And he can handle his nuggets in a crisis. An asteroid is hurtling towards earth, guaranteeing to wipe out most of the country, and he pledges to keep the postal service functioning. That’s how together he is. He doesn’t say, “Hey, I promise to make sure this place doesn’t disintegrate into a Mad Max-level anarchy.” He says he’s got this situation covered to the point that you will still receive your weekly PennySaver on time. That is a man I could get behind.
I would give you some cons on Morgan Freeman if there were any. Unfortunately, he is just too awesome.
President Devlin (Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over)
I haven’t seen Spy Kids 3-D because it would be kind of weird if I had. I do, however, believe that it is time our country had a Devlin in office. Devlins tend to be charming people with great hair. Formerly a Devlin myself, I think a George Clooney-Devlin president would be great for foreign relations. He could smirk his way into the heart of any leader. You think Putin could resist that suave charm? That self-deprecating chuckle? President Clooney-Devlin would declare world peace within a week of taking office.
Sure, his policies on using children as spies and soldiers is a little off-putting, but he only uses special children born and raised for combat. That’s not so bad. The economy is down, teenagers are suffering in the job market more than anyone. President Devlin is essentially providing jobs for a demographic that is underemployed. So what if those jobs involve surfing on lava? When I was a kid, I had to mow the lawn! It’s important to teach kids responsibility, be it walking the dog or fighting rival gangs of child spies.
So do your civic duty and vote for a make-believe person that I support this November. You might as well! Then make good on your Facebook threat to move to Alaska when the person you hate inevitably wins!