The End of the World Comes in an App
By Amanda Rossenrode
Well guys, according to the guy with the sign around his neck at Ralph’s and the knowledge I gleaned watching the first half of Demi Moore’s The Seventh Sign, the end is nigh. A phone app has turned into a movie that is a number 1 hit.
Yes, Angry Birds, the time-wasting game made for half-heartedly playing in line at the DMV, is a blockbuster. A game where you slingshot cranky fowl at sickly pigs. How do you get two hours’ worth of material out of this? The apocalypse is near, and as I have spent much time researching survival skills since plans for Grumpy Cat the film was announced, I would like to share some tips with you in order that you survive the coming ordeal.
Vet your friends for their weaknesses and strengths
You love your friends, I’m sure. Melanie always is the first to call on your birthday, Todd just cracks you up, and you would have never gotten through that bad break up without the sage advice from John. Well, Melanie, Todd, and John are all useless now. Todd will be the first to be eaten by zombie-wolves, I assure you, so maybe keep him around for that. Start thinking about who in your group is the most avid camper. That person is likely to be able to start a fire or gut a fish without gagging. You know Tyler, who you never call anymore because he picks a fight with a bartender every time you go out? Even if you don’t go to a bar? There’s your muscle right there; start liking his vaguely offensive Facebook posts immediately. Invite your friends over for a casual rock-throwing contest and judge who can launch the heaviest rock the furthest and with the most accuracy. Serve a variety of berries and plants, some harmless and some poisonous, and see who unerringly eats the edible ones. This is all invaluable information to have when assembling a gang.
Pick a spirit animal
“Oh, I’ve got this,” you say. “My loyal dog will be my companion and guard.” Well, Fido might not be the best choice. Unless you acquired him from a pack of feral hounds by feeding him campfire scraps, which I have only managed to succeed in once. More likely you have Scruffy McScrufferson because he doesn’t rip the faces of bands of marauders. Plus, he is going to eat a lot of your precious, precious dog food. A better choice might be a cat. But cats are jerks! You reply. Yes indeed. Their scientific name is felis jerkus. But they are also incredible self-preservationists. My jerk cat knows when someone is coming down the walk before they even consciously make the decision to and can tell whether the footsteps are friend or foe (the gardener). If a cat starts running, you better follow in that direction because you know that cat is not about to get kidnapped by cannibals or snuck up on by a leaf blower. Old Poochie would probably be falling over himself to give Colonel Murder Face a kiss. Also, cats make excellent hunters and are usually charitable enough to give you whatever part of the rat they don’t finish.
If you choose to go in another direction, remember that the circuses and zoos will probably be overrun, so if you are ambitious and patient in your training, you might be able to score a perfectly good polar bear to guard your trash bag of dog food. Not only will he intimidate potential thieves, your hooks for hands will back up his threat.
Start Stealing, Now.
Not only will people try to rob you of your can opener and the many copies of Twilight you use for kindling, you will need to rob others to survive. You don’t want to be a clumsy thief, do you? Start immediately and start small. Don’t be a hero and break into your neighbor’s bomb shelter just yet. Start small. Ever hear of the term taking candy from a baby? It’s used because not only is it easy, but it’s fulfilling. What with the rise of childhood diabetes in America, it is your civic duty to take candy from babies to ensure that they lead healthy, active lives. Besides, candy is delicious and probably will be your main source of sustenance after the iPhone revolution. You better get used to it now. Once you graduate from babies, move on to knocking over children’s lemonade stands. Take the money. When the police arrive, inform them that the stand was operating without a permit and in violation of the health code. This will teach the children a valuable lesson of the senseless brutality and callousness of martial law. Everybody wins!
Invest in a Good Mountain Bike (and learn how to use it)
They say you never forget how to ride a bike. I can’t back up the veracity of that statement because I haven’t ridden a bike since 1995. And I fell off that thing a lot, even when I wasn’t being chased by Decepticons.
What I do know is that you can get places significantly faster and with much less effort on a bicycle. Save yourself a headache and avoid the gasoline wars that will surely ensue meanwhile lessening your carbon footprint on your shiny Huffy that your mom said was too expensive, but you’re an adult now, damn it, and it’s your apocalypse! Think about how much easier life would be for the sad sacks on The Walking Dead if they were cruising around the ruins of civilization on bikes like that scene in Muppets Take Manhattan! I haven’t seen the whole movie, but I assume they finally conquer it because of their mad BMX skills and rule it with an iron fist. And isn’t that what Rick and the Gang have been trying to do since like season 3? Move it along already, guys!
Stock up on styling products
You know what you never see in the land of the living dead? Flat hair. Fuzzy pits. Gentleman, you are allowed a certain amount of facial hair, but only if it is a well-maintained, sexy stubble. It may seem like a burden, bartering that rat carcass for batteries for your curling iron, but you should treat every day like a job interview and present your best self. Remember to ration a small amount of the rain water collected in the garbage can for bathing purposes and always have on hand shampoo, conditioner, moisturizer, sunscreen, lip balm, a decent bronzer (this works for the ladies and the fellas! You can look sun-kissed by the pitiless heat and exposure without premature wrinkles!) Before falling asleep in the dumpster behind the burned out Burger King, apply a layer of petroleum jelly to your hands and wrap them in the torn remnants of Todd’s t-shirt to prevent the unsightly callouses caused by swinging a board with a nail in it at Xenomorphs all day.
Good luck, sweet friend. I hope you heed my advice and survive these time like those stupid Calvin and Hobbs stickers weirdos still put on their cars. If you do, stop by my stronghold for a cup of trash water tea and a biscuit!