The Do's and Don'ts of Throwing an Oscar Party
By Amanda Rossenrode
The 89th Academy Awards or “Excuse for Rich Old People to Get Day Drunk” day, is almost here and tradition dictates we all have parties to root for the one film we saw. This Sunday we’ll celebrate millionaires getting prizes for pretending to have problems that don’t involve whether or not your chopper has Wi-Fi. Your Oscar party must reflect that. This isn’t Super Bowl Sunday folks, you can’t just pour a case of Coors and a family size bag of Doritos into a punch bowl and stand back! Here are some do’s and don’ts that will get you the Oscar Party Gold.
Do: Invite the Right People
You should invite people who enjoy movies and perhaps have seen one or two of the featured films, or even one of the films the nominees have been involved with in the past. This isn’t a local election folks, you can’t just pick the nominee on the ballot with the coolest sounding name. For god’s sake, don’t invite Todd. Todd doesn’t see chi-chi movies. Or movies where you have to read. Todd says what’s the point of going to the movies if you have to read? Might as well just read a book, Todd snorts. No, Todd says loudly over the deafening eye rolls, you want to see something cool, let me show you something. Todd wants to know if your TV has YouTube. You lie and say no, and Todd says that’s bull, every TV has YouTube now, and you say that yours was cursed by an angry witch who hates people that interrupt Oscar parties with YouTube videos. Todd manages to hook his phone up to the TV and plays a ten minute video of a llama, screaming with laughter and hanging on the shoulders of those around him before busting out his Nintendo Switch.
Don’t: Serve Boring Snacks
Pigs in a blanket? Chips and dip? Is this Oscar night or an all-night Mario Party? This is a swanky affair folks. Champagne and finger foods are a must. A vegetable platter is classy if you call them crudités and ranch gets the elite treatment if you insist it is a buttermilk-garlic aioli. Have fun with it though and offer Oscar themed snacks. Serve individual popcorns sprinkled with salt from the tears of an Indian orphan in tribute to Lion. Tea sandwiches with tooth picks in them are a cute wink at Fences, an homage you can further by chewing them without ever taking a bite of the sandwiches. Yeah, we caught that Denzel, why is that kid chewing for an entire conversation despite the fact the sandwich in his hand is fully intact?! For Hacksaw Ridge, slaughter your own goat and mix the entrails up in a goat slurry, season to taste with salt and pepper and toss in the faces of your guests. Then scream, “This is the reality of war!”
Do: Dress to Impress
It’s not often that we get to dress up! Formal events are few and far between in adult life. Eventually all the friends with any real prospects at not dying alone are going to tie the knot and after that all you have to look forward to are their funerals. So make it a black tie event and bust out those old suits and gowns! To spice things up, only tell half of your guests that it will be a formal affair and tell the others that it’s “chill”. Oh, if looks could kill when Shana shows up in an impossibly uncomfortable corseted maid of honor dress with while Carly chips goat entrails off of her thrift store cords that were most certainly worn by a deceased person. March them up and down a red carpet while you judge their ensembles and make catty remarks. Record them and if someone trips on a hem, have Todd upload it to YouTube so that they can feel like a star!
Do: Play games
Not just drinking ones, although those are fun too. Make wagers on which winner will be the first to make a political statement. The winner of the game will then get to stand up and air all of their political grievances. The losers, not protected by the anonymity of the internet, will have to grit their teeth and nod politely (luckily, by this time Todd is passed out drunk in open door of the fridge and will not be able to provide his rambling political views). Or, instead of betting on the winners, bet on who is just so embarrassed to even have to show up. The nominees who have no chance in hell of winning and are just waiting to do their gracious loser face and then hit the bar. The ones who will have to utter the line over and over “It’s an honor to be nominated,” but are thinking, “Why did I even shower for this? Its Denzel or Casey Affleck hands down. I don’t even know why Affleck. All he did was mumble and drink beer. Was he even aware the camera was rolling? My own mother didn’t even know I was in the running, or in a movie but that’s because she’s so involved with her Corgis.” The winner gets to talk about their own complicated relationship with their parents.
Don’t: Bring up The Amazing Spiderman
Andrew Garfield is going to have a rough night as it is. Always a bridesmaid, never the bride.
Happy Oscars guys! Hope your picks win, hope your party is styling and I hope I find my keys! Seriously, I haven’t seen them in days. At this point I’m thinking I’m either the victim of a poltergeist or a very specific burglar.